Resitting my second year of university...

Since I was four years old I have wanted to be an English teacher.  Don't ask me why... something about the excessive hours, general abuse from students and ten years off my life expectancy appealed to me.  As such, I have spent almost 18 years working towards being a teacher.

Being 21 and having spent the majority of your life working towards something and still not being there is a tad frustrating as I figured out over the Summer...

I was flitting between the West coast of Wales and West Yorkshire every few weeks and had no stability to help find myself a Summer job.
This was the first stepping stone.
My boyfriend was spending the whole Summer with his family in the Midlands, and a fortnight with his grandparents in Spain.  In total I think we spent nine days out of the whole Summer together...
This was the second stepping stone.
Two of my housemate were working in our uni town over the Summer and were going out a lot with their new mates, spending days going on road trips and earning enough money to not worry about anything.  I however did not have a job...
This was the third stepping stone.
I found myself spending all of my overdraft on Summer rent, bills and food.  In just two months I'd blown through the whole £1000.
Since then no matter how careful I am with my loans and grants, I am always £1000 down.  I'm not in debt, but it does add pressure to me for when I eventually graduate.  Having this financial matter looming over me like a dark cloud for 9 months has slowly driven me mental.
This was the final stepping stone.

So over the past few months I have been considering either leaving university or resitting my second year.  I've not been enjoying my course and came to a realization that I was deliberately failing without realizing it.  I have a habit to self-destruct.  It's been that way since I was eleven; I just surround myself with bad people and negativity until I drag myself down into a submissive state where I don't matter.  As such, I've not spent enough time thinking about how my degree is just that one step closer to my dream.
Instead I've been thinking that it's clearly not going to happen and that I should therefore just pack it in.
As I'm sure you can guess, this is not a good way to think.  I've not got myself to the point where daily breakdowns where the question 'what am I doing with my life' are a perfectly normal way to spend your mornings.

I'm now in the process of applying to resit my second year pending my exam results over the Summer.  Though this is only a formality.  I have an exam on 20thC British Literature tomorrow afternoon from 2-5pm and I cannot for the life of me think of a word to say.  I've read and reread the books more times than I care to think about but I can't retain the information.  I've never been so scared about an exam in my life.

So for now I suppose I have to pull up my bootstraps, have a nice relaxing shower and spend tomorrow morning cramming Joyce until Ulysses pours out of my ears.  After that..?  I don't know yet, but I'll keep you updated.


Thank-you.  I needed someone to listen, you're my rock.




nicholaannexx